What I mean when I say that I want to want you

What I mean when I say that I want to want you,
is that I want to crave the feel of your lips on my skin.
I want to become breathless from your kiss – not because I’m terrified,
but because I’m overwhelmed by the taste of your lips.
What I mean when I say that I want to want you
is that I want the urge to trace your freckles with my tongue
like some erotic connect-the-dots constellations in the night sky.
I want the tug of your fingers through my hair and
the pinch of your teeth on the sensitive skin of my neck.
I want the thoughts in my head while all of this is happening to be
something other than a list of the contents of my fridge.
What I mean when I say that I want to want you
is that I want to want you in the way you deserve to be wanted.
But you can’t force a feeling that’s not there.
So maybe what I really mean when I say that I want to want you,
is actually that I want you to want the way I want you.

I want you to want the fact that sometimes I don’t want to be touched
that I don’t understand the concept of “spooning”
that sometimes I don’t want to hold your hand
because I hate how sweaty it makes my palm.
I want you to understand that none of that means I love you any less.
That sometimes the soothing wash of your words over me feels
better than the brush of your always slightly chapped lips.
I want you to understand that I feel so fucking much
that even though you’re sitting on the opposite end of the couch
I feel you all around me like a dense fog over a still pond.
And I know that I’m asking too much.
I know not just anyone is going to want the way I want them.
But I want you to want to at least try to want the way I want you.